Holiday season with the idiots.

I just spent thanksgiving in a house full of idiots. I didn't plan it that way but murphy's law kicked in and ...well lets just say the idiots followed him to my doorstep.

The day started as it always does in the land of the idiots, i woke up and waited for my turn in the bathroom. While i waited i was badgered into conversation after conversation about nothing, sort of like on Seinfeld but without the entertainment value. As anyone living with idiots can attest to, idiots travel in packs, each idiot responsible for the one or two things they are good at. One idiot to drive, one idiot to remember where they are going and others with similar duties. Well the group that spent the holiday at my house forgot to pickup the idiot that reminds the other idiots about manners and common decency.

If you have ever lived in house with a narcissist, obsessive compulsive idiot you know that there isn't a thing you can do within their sight that won't be stared at and copied, basically if you get a little more dressing they get a little more dressing, idiots hate to miss their turn at anything and everything they see or know exists is part theirs whether they bought it or not. An idiot that stays with you will eat like a puppy, until they burst, they have no interior warning device to warn them when they are full, they eat until there is no more to eat. They take breaks when physics prevent them from eating anymore but as soon as their stomach settles they are right back eating. They never wonder where the food comes from, i think they think the "fridge" is a magical box and food fairies fill it when they are asleep.

This thanksgiving we overcooked, 2 turkeys, 2 hams and Cornish hens. My house guests contributed this time surprisingly but no one opted to eat the raccoon they cooked up as a surprise. I repeat to the room in a joking manner that i am a city boy and i don't eat roadkill, my girlfriend mas angry that i was so ungracious until one of her idiot relatives explained to her that the raccoon was indeed road kill and all of a sudden she wasn't angry any more. No apology though but i understand. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Long story short i count it as a good gathering, nothing was broken and only one thing was stolen.

Our guests stayed until...the future because they are still downstairs sleeping in the front room. I hate idiots, i hate holidays and i dam sure hate holidays with idiots. I fear i am turning into an idiot my self for allowing this idiocy. Does anyone know if idiocy is contagious?

Why do idiots ask so many questions? They never seem to learn anything from them.

..so i am in the kitchen looking for a late night snack or meal or whatever i can find. And out of the blue my girls niece who just happens to be staying the night (electricity off until stimulus check comes) asks me what am i looking for food? I am thinking to myself, "why do idiots always ask questions? It can't be to learn because even though they ask 1000 stupid questions a day they never seem to wake up any smarter the next day. I mean i am waist deep in the refrigerator, what the hell else would i be doing other than looking for food?

If that wasn't enough, i go into the bathroom to wash up before i finally turn in that same night and her mother knocks on the door of the bathroom door to see if someone is in there. I answer yes there is and think i am done with that but her mother needs to know specifically who is in the bathroom. I am kind of full up the neck of idiots so i decided that knowing exactly who is in the bathroom is irrelevant so i don't answer and turn the water up loud. I finish after 10 minutes and go back upstairs to bed. 3 minutes later her mother comes all the way up the stairs to ask was that me in the bathroom. Maybe its me but i feel that only an idiot would need help figuring that out and then not be ashamed that they couldn't.

I guess i am just sick of idiot questions like what you drinking water? when the glass is clear. You know how normal non-idiots will ask a obvious question and you politely pause for a beat before answering because you know they will have figured out the answer before you can answer? Well with idiots you could wait for 100 beats and an encore and they will still be there waiting for the answer.

I have a saying: Some questions are so dumb that no matter what your answer is it will seem like you are getting smart with the asker. Some stuff is so dumb that anything else is a smart answer because you can't get dumber than the original question.

You know in the length of time it took me to write this i got a ticket on my truck for blocking my own driveway. The parking ticket people are bigger idiots than the rest of the idiot bastards the work with. I am outside arguing with the woman trying to tell her that i meant to block my driveway, she says its not up to me. Lord please deliver me from idiots. Those badges must be made of lead and they catch lead poisoning and go insane, either that or they are also IDIOTS!

Idiot steals from billboard company and ends up on one.

This man is an Idiot.

The two things any burglar should try not to do are 1 get caught and 2 get photographed. This idiot manages to get both, what an idiot.

This idiot thief was caught on camera stealing expensive equipment, but he'd picked the wrong target - because now the billboard company he was stealing from has plastered his image around Wellington, New Zealand's largest city, seeking his capture.

What an Idiot.

Pubic hair on the soap. 10 rules for living with idiots.

I don't know about you and your kin but mine is a son of a B__ch. I guess with the blog being new and all i have to start at the beginning or else you won't have a clue of what made me decide to start this blog or what i am talking about a good deal of the time.

Well it started when i got old enough to recognize the fact that there were far more idiots than "regular" people. There were far more hypocrites and inconsiderate people inhabiting America than there were "benefits to society" at any given time. I think that thought coming to me at the young age of 11 changed my life. Some may say for the worst but i think its for the better. I always looked at it like this, if there is a crazy guy that you see everyday on the way to work standing on the corner speaking jibberish that you can't understand and then one day you go past and his jibberish sounds like, "hello James, have a nice day today at work today", you are crazy too now, so i am thankful that i can still recognize these little oddities in human behavior that this blog will be about. But today it's about idiot family and the idiot things they do. An idiot is a person who doesn't even need a verb to do something stupid.

I also have to mention that a few years back my longtime live-in girlfriends mother lost her house because she took out a loan at 18% interest on a house she only owed $2400 on. I would never call her Mom an idiot, thankfully i won't have to because that action speaks for itself. I was like, Ms. Blank (names have been changed to protect the idiots) Why not get a $1500 loan, take your mortgage and that loan and pay the house of and then get a loan at 6% interest? Of course she didn't listen because and i quote "you think you know everything!" I am use to that kind of thinking coming from my people. I guess this would be a good time to mention that i am black. My mother in law saw my recommendation as me trying to act white? I am mixed, as if it matters, so i have run across and lived with idiots of every race. The truth of the matter is there is no difference in idiot actions only how they are initiated. Maybe now you understand the reasons behind my need for this blog.

So anyway with that said, let me move on to my idiot gripe of the day...

...Pubic Hair on the soap. WTF kind of idiot leaves Pubic hair on the soap? I am not talking once, i am talking about every time they use the soap. I can't wrap my head around the type of individual that for 3 straight years would not notice that they are leaving pubic hair on the soap, soap that everyone in the house has to use. I guess this would be a good time to mention that when my Mother-in-law cam to stay with us for "a few months" back in early 2002 she brought a few of her homes residents along for the ride. They are all long time in-laws so we felt we couldn't leave them homeless, and what's a few months right? Thats what family is for. Well at this point i wish i could track down, dig up and re-kill whoever made that asinine phrase up. Family more times than not are the banes of a non-idiots existence. I wish i would have ran a background check on them even though i lived with them for decades growing up.

Every morning i come down to take my shower and have to be grossed out by Coochie or penis hair on my soap. The first thing i always wonder is did all my kids notice this before they washed up and went to school? I am sure they all don't use the soap provided by the management (me) but the thought of them washing their face with a soap with a pubic hair on it makes me a tiny bit ill to the stomach. I love my in-laws but they are a few levels under us in sophistication. Their main areas of interest seem to be sitting on the front porch drinking, smoking and waiting for the mail man and arguing. It took me a while to understand how they argue so much but i finally figured it out. They're idiots! They judge the winner of an argument not by evidence but by longevity and volume.

To any idiots reading this, here are a few rules of sharing space or anything.

1. Share.

2. No Pubic hairs on the soap.

3. No IOU's in the refrigerator. Only eat what is yours.

4. Flush the toilet. Not just this time but always.

5. When someone calls on the phone for someone other than you, do not force them into a 25 minute conversation with you before you will agree to get them who they want.

6. When visitors arrive (see #5) and also do not stand around 2 feet from the visitor and the person they are visiting conversation.

7. Do not borrow money from every visitor.

8. Do not borrow cigarettes from every visitor.

9. Do not eat, drink or use the first or last of someone else stuff. Oh yea...you idiots.

10. Residents have more rights than visitors.

If you can follow these rules, everyone may not notice that you are an idiot.

Well, i just wanted to touch bases with you guys and jott down a bit about what you can expect from this blog (me giving idiots the business 24/7/365) and if you happen to be doing an idiotic thing i may recieve an email with a picture of you attached so.....